Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You Might Also Like
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
it’s the silliest best thing
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone