Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
You Might Also Like
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“our sushi is very fresh”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.