The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.