Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store