Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic