her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I’d love this…lol
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*