Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.