Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
wut hotdog?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.