[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello