I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I mean…but I did
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready