remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?