Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Ha.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Risking my life for fun.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Thank you corporation very cool
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game