My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card