Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’ve had relationships like this
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.