Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I like long walks away from everyone
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My boss called in sick of me
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”