My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]