I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell