[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
This is my emotional support knife.
john wicks are toilet candles
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.