If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Stop being racist to kettles.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes