I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
You Might Also Like
me opening up to someone
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*orders delivery*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.