Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski