OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.