Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
B
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
how to have an accident 101
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.