never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me linking you to my twitter
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.