Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes