Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
yea so i messed up lol
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible