I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food