PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
why no one uses midhusbands
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”