People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!