It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.