Ain’t no way
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
What even happened today?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.