My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven