SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
You Might Also Like
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.