[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.