“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
every. time.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.