[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!