flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Very good! 👍😂
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
This is so me 😂😂
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”