ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one