“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
That time Alicia messaged me
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Oh no
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*