Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Time heals everything 🙂
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh