Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!