Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Got ya covered
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Fidel Castro was alive?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds