‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine