My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home