Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You Might Also Like
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.