if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
You Might Also Like
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.