When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
OMG 🤣🤣
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.