[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
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I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I have no passwords left in me
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face