Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job