Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
THIS HEADLINE
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.